Childhood grief in a loss by suicide

"Give the pain a voice: the pain that does not speak groans in the heart until it breaks it."
Shakespeare, W. Macbeth

There are many people who, when they come to the services of our association ( DSAS, after Suicide ), express their concern about how they should communicate the news of the loss to their sons and daughters , or who tell us that they do not know how to take care of their well-being when a family member has died by suicide.

The news of a loved one's death by suicide is simply devastating. It causes us deep grief, including our children, and it is very understandable that we worry about how to handle such tragic information that contains so many disturbing questions.

How do I explain to them that their mother or father or brother or sister... has committed suicide? What do I tell them and what don't I tell them about the circumstances, how it happened? How will we do it from now on? It is not easy to answer all these concerns in an article of limited length.

Managing and coming to terms with the news, taking care of procedures, unforeseen situations in the work, economic and relationship spheres, and at the same time keeping in mind that these children have been affected, that they need to understand as much as possible what has happened, will require a special effort from us, while sharing the feelings of sadness and pain that dominate us from affection and patience. It is very likely that we will not do everything right the first time, but we must trust in love, and dare to ask and seek advice and help whenever we need it.

If possible, and taking into account the circumstances of each case, we need to keep in mind some questions that can help give us guidelines on how to act at these times:

• Let's think about how we will communicate and what we will say.
• We seek advice and information about suicidal behavior to adapt this explanation to the ages and levels of maturity of our minors, but also to avoid falling into myths or misconceptions about suicide.
• We need to take our time to do it , but we try to communicate the news as soon as possible. We know that social networks and informal circles of friendship can provide distorted information, with much cruder explanations and inappropriate for their age.
• Let's tell the truth : always adapting our answers to the ages and circumstances of our children, answering their questions honestly. It is better to say "I don't know " than to tell a well-intentioned lie.
• We give time and space so they can express their concerns and worries.
• We do not disavow their questions : if we are not in a position to answer honestly, it is better to say: "I don't have enough strength to explain it now, I am not sure or certain of what happened ..." than to tell a lie.
• We choose the person closest to the children to break the news. If we don't feel like doing it alone, we should have someone we trust accompany us or, if necessary, a professional.
• Let's choose the space where we will communicate. Make it close, make it comfortable for them: their home, their room...
• Let's make communication as affectionate as possible. With physical proximity, even if this involves more emotion on our part.
• We do not use well-intentioned metaphors such as "he has left and will not return", "he is in a better place", "he is with the stars", etc. Children can understand literally what we tell them on many occasions.
• We need to be clear about the irreversible and definitive consequences of the word death and the word suicide. It is important that we use these words without looking for “softer alternatives” from the very beginning, avoiding taboos and stigmas.
• As much as possible, let them participate in the farewell ceremonies , let them feel part of the group, of the family, trying to explain to them what they consist of and why we do them.
• Let's not hide our feelings , they can see us crying and being sad. We can explain to them how we feel, this way we will help them better understand everything that is happening and what it means to have lost someone we love.

We need to be clear about the irreversible and definitive consequences of the word death and the word suicide. It is important that we use these words without looking for softer alternatives.

Our society currently approaches issues related to death with great immaturity. There is a tendency to hide and think that children should not be affected by a situation that can hurt them. The reality is that children experience grief just like adults, but they do not know about it, they do not have experience with these complicated emotions, and for this reason it is essential that the adults around them are aware that they will "imitate" their behaviors, whether healthy or not.

The Rules of Grief of a Suicide Loss

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Give them honest information and share the pain

The philosopher and educator Concepció Poch , with extensive experience in training on grief and dealing with death, reflects on these two ideas in many of her publications:

• Talking about death generates more anxiety in adults than in children and adolescents. They are not afraid to talk about death. They are afraid of the insecurity of adults.
• When they have to face a difficult situation, the first thing they do is look to the adult. If they perceive a welcoming and protective attitude, they will be able to manage their emotions more safely.

In their book El niño ante la muerte (Pagès Editors, 2010), Anna Maria Agustí , teacher and psychopedagogist, and Montse Esquerda, doctor in psychology and medicine, delve even deeper into these ideas:

• Currently, death is a taboo that makes it difficult to elaborate on this concept.
• Although death is present in the media, in our reality, in games, in stories, we avoid it in our day to day lives.
• The child can face what he experiences from the truth.
• What children can imagine is always much worse than what they can express.
• If the concept of death has been worked on, it will be easier for you to situate the experiences of loss.

It is normal that we want to "protect" our children and adolescents from an experience as painful and tragic as a loss by suicide, but we must be honest with them. We must show them from love, but without concealment or half-truths, that the death of the people we love hits us hard, but that we can accompany them (and be accompanied by ourselves) with affection and frankness, while leaving space and time to be able to come to terms with the inevitable consequences of a death by suicide.

Talking about death generates more anxiety in adults than in children and adolescents. They are not afraid to talk about death. They are afraid of the insecurity of adults.

Therapist Margo Requarth , director of the Child Suicide Survivors Grief Care Program at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), experienced firsthand the traumatic experience of her mother's suicide when she was 4 years old, and recommends: "I have found that children who suffer the suicide of a loved one cope better when they receive honest information about what has happened (in doses appropriate to their age). .../.... Sharing pain instead of hiding it is what allows children to learn about feelings."

Grief in adolescents

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The grieving process in children

The experience of loss is a process that occupies and worries us for much longer than we tend to believe. Grief is a collective and individual experience that involves a psychological, emotional and physical process of adapting to the void created by the absence of a loved one. We also know that if the loss is due to suicide, this process can be much more complicated and prolonged .

There are no simple formulas, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to process what has happened to us, the pain, the misunderstanding, the guilt. And if there are children, we have to take care of their well-being, which undoubtedly requires a lot of affection, but also a great effort, because we are not in the best conditions.

It may help us to know that, in the case of children, the grieving process presents some differences compared to that of adults :

• Children understand the concept of death according to their age.
• Their grief also depends on their cognitive development, age, and emotional maturity, but it will affect them more than adults (especially if it is someone very close), as they are a personality in development that does not have the same resources and experiences as an adult.
• They cannot always or know how to express their grief with words, they also do it with their body, with their behavior.
• They have a special sensitivity to notice when adults are lying to them or not taking their feelings seriously.
• It is very common that, in addition to sadness over the loss, they may feel abandonment and anger towards the adults around them.
• They may feel guilty thinking that they were the cause of the death of their loved one. We must not forget that their fantasies are very powerful, and they may confuse them with extraordinary abilities to influence people and things.
• It should not confuse us that they can continue to play and laugh at any time, as their emotions can fluctuate very quickly. They are certainly suffering from the loss.
• Returning to school or high school routines can be a difficult process with feelings of loneliness and incomprehension, but we must try to ensure that reinstatement takes place as soon as possible, informing the educational center and those responsible for it of the circumstances.

Grief is an experience that involves a psychological, emotional and physical process of adapting to the void created by the absence of a loved one. If the loss is due to suicide, this process can be much more complicated.

Throughout the article it has been reiterated that we need to adapt our explanations and behaviors to the age of the children , but I agree with psychologist Begoña Elizalde , who in her excellent article Death is the most important thing in life, a personal reflection on children and death , explains that it is not easy without knowing the child to place the age range as the only criterion, ignoring their maturity, what education they have received about death and their entire family and social environment.

How to break the taboo about death in childhood

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However, it is necessary to understand that the vision of death in children will depend on their evolutionary and maturational stage in general rules and that, therefore, it is good to be familiar with its main characteristics, although some may seem very obvious.

The view of death according to age

From 0 to 2 years

• There is no understanding of what death means. They can feel the absence, especially if it is the mother or a very close figure.
• Altering routines can pose a significant problem in your mood, and even in your physical condition.
• They can perceive the mood changes of caregivers.
• They need affection, stable bonds and maintenance of routines and schedules.

From 3 to 6 years old

• They understand death as temporary and reversible.
• Their thinking is still very self-centered, and is powerfully concrete, literal, and magical.
• You have to be careful with alternative explanations, as they can be taken literally.
• They understand death as not definitive and therefore find it difficult to understand its irreversibility and will tend to ask: "Why isn't he coming back?" "When will he come back?" "Is he sleeping?".
• They don't believe that their family or themselves can die.
• Death must be explained from the perspective of non-functionality: you don't eat, you don't breathe, you don't move....
• Their behavior can be difficult to interpret, shifting from crying to playing with some ease. It is important to pay attention to their questions and answer honestly and clearly, without too many complications. It is also important to pay attention to their games and spontaneous storytelling, because they can indicate what their fears and concerns are.
• Grief due to the absence of loved ones can cause sleep disturbances, eating disorders, regression in sphincter control, very sudden behavioral changes...
• They need affection, stable bonds, maintenance of routines, knowing the truth and participating, to their extent, in acts of remembrance and farewell.
• It can help us to use loss-oriented stories or films such as UP , The Lion King or Coco .

From 6 to 10 years old

This age range is very broad in terms of the evolution and maturity of boys and girls.

• They understand death in the functional sense, but they don't know how to deal with it.
• They may believe, up until the age of 8 or 9, that people die, but that they will not die.
• The death of a loved one can lead to regressions such as sphincter control or thumb sucking, as well as significant behavioral changes.
• They may feel guilty because they think that something they said or did had a bearing on the person's death.
• They tend to worry that something serious will happen to someone else in the family or close to them.
• They ask many questions of a more specific content, but also of a religious or spiritual nature, they can be critical or skeptical about the beliefs of those around them and wonder about those of other people.
• As they approach pre-adolescence, their understanding of the consequences of the death of a loved one on their life becomes clearer, and this can mean that they have more fear and difficulty expressing their feelings. They understand the magnitude of what has happened to them, but they are not in a position to "fit in" everything it means. They can become blocked, closed off.
• They need clear and concrete answers, but also a hopeful message about the risk of their environment becoming even more unstable. That we tell them our own experiences when we were younger, and that we tell them our own feelings.
• The reference from adults is indispensable and the message about death and loss as something that happens to us and is very painful, but that we will get through it.
• It is important that they participate in the rituals and acts of remembrance, and, if possible, that they help us with some specific task.
• It can help us to talk about natural phenomena that imply evolution.
• Readings such as The Little Prince , sagas such as Narnia, Harry Potter , or films such as My Girl can also help us.

Twelve years and adolescence

It is also a very wide range of ages and maturational states.

• They fully understand what death means, and form an explanation that includes the biological, spiritual, and philosophical realms.
• They are aware that, if it is someone close to them who has died, it will have consequences in their own lives and this can destabilize them in a significant way.
• On a personal level, they maintain an ambiguous relationship with death, they may engage in risky behaviors, thinking that they should not have consequences for them, despite knowing their danger. However, the bodily changes they experience can arouse fears about their health.
• The idea of ​​death can be very appealing to them, whether reading or watching films, from more spiritual and philosophical aspects, to the most raw and violent expressions; to the point of romanticizing the idea of ​​death.
• Their mood can fluctuate greatly, from joy to sadness. They may even seem insensitive to their surroundings, although this is just another element of their own difficulty managing their emotions.
• They need to be able to participate in the acts and rituals and we can offer them the opportunity to actively participate, to feel that we take them into account and that we respect their opinion.
• We need to respect their privacy, ask them questions, but accept that they need time to talk. Whenever possible, we negotiate the conditions of our family relationship and set boundaries based on affection and mutual respect.
• We can help them not to lose contact with their peer group, encouraging them to recover these relationships as soon as possible that can be very supportive.

Júlia Junqueras Font

Relative of person who died by suicide

"My father's story is my story"

Ver testimonio

Recommended readings

For families:

• Requarth, M. Talking to nchildren about suicide. AFSP , American Foundation for suicide prevention. Translated into Spanish and reviewed by volunteer translators from AIPIS , Association for Suicide Research, Prevention and Intervention.
• Children, adolescents and loss by suicide. AFSP, American Foundation for suicide prevention.
• Tell me what happened. Guide to help adults talk about death and grief with children. FMLC, Mario Losantos del Campo Foundation
• Melich, JC (2002). Philosophy of Finitude . Ed. heir
• Payàs Puigarnau, A. (2014). The message of tears . Paidós Disclosure.
• Poch and Avellán, C. (2000). Of life and death. Reflections and proposals for educators and parents . claret
• Ryan, V. (2002). When the grandparents leave us. How to overcome pain . Ed San Pablo.
• Santamaría C. (2010). The duel and the children . Cantabria: Editorial Sal Terrea.
• Shaefer, D.; Lyons, C. (2004). How to tell children: appropriate responses when someone dies . doctor
• Turner M. (2004). How to talk to children and young people about death and grief. Guide for parents . Ediciones Paidós Ibérica.

For children up to 6/7 years old

• Bausà, R.; Peris, C. (2012). Good night, Grandpa! Lóguez Editions.
• Bawin M. and Hellings C. (2000). Tom's grandfather has died . Editorial Esin, SA
• Durant A. and Gliori D. (2004). Para siempre . Ceac publishing group, SA
• Verrept P. (2001). i miss you Editorial Youth.
• Wilhem, H. (1989). I will always love you . Youth.

For children aged 7 to 12 years

• Allen RW and Grippo D. (2010). When mom or dad are missing. A book to comfort children . Editorial San Pablo.
• Bauer J. (2011). The grandfather's angel . Lóguez Editions.
• Canals M. and Aguilar S. (2011). My invisible friend . Salvatella Editorial.
• Elzbieta. (2002). The Death of Tim . Barcelona: Cruilla. Els Pirates Collection.
• De Saint-Exupéry, A. (1990). The Little Prince. Emecé.
• Gil Vila M. and Piérola M. (2007). Grandpa's garden . Bellaterra Publishing.
• Jeffers O. (2010). The heart and the bottle . Economic culture fund.
• José, E. (2006). Julia has a star . La Galera.
• Rugg S. (1997). Memories live forever: A book of memories for children afflicted by a death . Sharon Rugg, LCSW.

For teenagers

• Bunnag T. and Jaume E. (2008). Grandma's rainbow. The March Hare. SL
• Erlbruch W. (2007). The duck and death. Barbara Fiori Publisher.
• Garcia, J. (2021). The Jaguar's Farewell . Ed. Bromera.
• Mitch, A. (2008). Martes con mi viejo profesor, a testimony about life, friendship and love . bag
• Wolfelt A. (2001). Advice for young people before the meaning of death. Diagonal Publishing.